Grieving Boston



by Carissa
A tearful reunion with my Sole Sisters
I am a traveler on an unfamiliar road.  This is the only time I have had first hand experience with an act of terrorism.  It left me wrecked and emotionally scarred.  Three people lost their lives on Monday afternoon. More than one hundred seventy were physically wounded.  Thousands of others were emotionally wounded.  I am one of the emotionally wounded.

Every day since the marathon I get up and put on my Boston sweatshirt.  It blankets and comforts me.  It is an outward sign that inside all I can think about is Boston.  My heart hurts and there is a dull ache in my stomach.

On Tuesday I flew home.  There was a big crowd at the security check point.  Reporters, family members, people with signs.  They broke into applause as we approached them.  I heard a voice that is now etched into my memory.  A woman calling out, “Good job.  Good job runners.”  The emotion welled up in me.  I spotted my family and my two youngest boys came sprinting towards me like they were running the 50 meter dash.  I wrapped my arms around them for enormous bear hugs.  Next I surrendered to my husband’s strong embrace.  For the first time I was reunited with my eight-year-old son and mother-in-law.  In Boston we had bid each other goodbye in the family meeting area minutes before the bombs exploded.  My mother-in-law broke down a bit as we hugged and exchanged comments about how sad and scary it was.


Without much sleep under my belt I woke up Wednesday.  I didn’t realize how shell shocked I had been the first two days until I found myself Wednesday morning in a very different emotional state. I was sad and traumatized.  For the next few hours I cried off and on.  The kids wouldn’t stop misbehaving: I cried.  I got in the car to bring them to school: I cried.  A worship song played on the radio: I cried.  I saw friends for the first time since returning back home: I cried.  I spied a woman running down the street: I cried.

I was a little less raw by the time I sat down with my Sole Sisters for coffee.  They squeezed me tight, listened, offered to help and showed me how very deeply they care.  Of course they aren’t the only ones.  All around me people are showing me how much they care about me and love me: hugs, notes, prayers and phone calls.  I am humbled by how deep and wide I am loved and supported.  I know that this is the Father’s hands reaching down to me through the people in my everyday life.

I am slowly beginning to grasp how much I am hurting.  I also realized I want to go back in 2014.  I want to be a part of the Boston marathon that responds to what happened on April 15th, 2013.  Even though I finished the marathon on Monday, celebrating that finish was robbed from me.  I want to return for healing and closure.
At the memorial jog

A memorial jog was organized on Wednesday night to pay tribute to the victims of the Boston marathon bombing.  I knew I needed to be there.  My roommates and I reunited to go to the event with a few good friends by our sides.  It felt comforting to be back together with my roommates.  They understand like no one else what I had experienced on Monday.  We navigated through this senseless act together.  

Around me life carries on.  I try to carry on with it but I am not ready.  I may be reading to my children or preparing a meal but in my mind it’s BOSTON.  My heart aches over BOSTON.  What can I do?   I take each day slowly and wait for BOSTON to become Boston.  

14 comments:

  1. I can only imagine how shook up you are right now. I hope that the pain and confusion part will ebb and that the pride of running a strong race will overpower any negativity.

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    1. You too Amanda. How are you doing? Are you experiencing all this too?

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  3. Love you Carissa. My heart hurts so bad right now. Wish I could give you a hug. Dedicating my marathon tomorrow to you and all the other Boston runners, spectators & victims. XXX

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    1. Thanks Tasha. Thats really special that you dedicated your marathon. I hope it went well for you!

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  4. Beautiful words from a hurting heart. Isn't that just how our Jesus works, Beauty from Ashes. He will continue to give you strength, to press on, to heal, and run again! I love you sister and we'll keep praying.

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  5. Carissa---

    I feel like I could have written much this post myself! (Except I wouldn't have worded it nearly as well.) The part that really hits home is- "Even though I finished the marathon on Monday, celebrating that finish was robbed from me. I want to return for healing and closure."

    Celebrating was robbed from us. It was robbed from all of us. I understand about closure. We need that.

    I hope you begin to feel a little more at peace and you are able to start healing soon. We all need that in the coming days.

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  6. Carissa,
    I totally feel the pain in your post, as well as the love that God has surrounded you with. I am praying for complete healing so that BOSTON may indeed become Boston once again. Can't wait to catch another run with you some time soon, when running sounds fun again.

    God has allowed for our family to walk through a huge trial recently and so I get the grief and pain you are talking about. I've had to cling to Scripture to not let my world be overruled by this personal event and the afermath. Prayer, scripture, and service towards others have been my life lines. Praying those will be an encouragement for you as well.

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    1. Thanks Anne-Marie. I am encouraged by your sharing and sad to hear that you have walked through a big trial recently. We are definitely due for a good catch up run. Hope to take one with you soon!

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  7. Love this post...Thankyou for sharing so openly. I SO get this. I actually didn't run Boston this year and was only there supporting good friends but I was there and definitely feel "emotionally wounded". I came home on Tuesday night to an amazing welcome home from my sisters and parents and husband and kids at the airport. I've never clutched my kids that tightly in my life.....Took Wednesday off of work and still found myself struggling to function with basic things on Thursday. Just moments of tears that I couldn't even explain. Someone would look at me and I would cry....A process this will be....

    Congratulations on your race! I'm sorry that celebration of such an amazing accomplishment was stolen from you by the day's events....Without a doubt I will be back running in 2014. I wouldn't miss it..... Hugs to you.

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    1. Thanks Jenn. I was actually thinking about what it would have been like to return to work this week. Since I'm at home full time I only had to face things like dishes piling up or lack of motivation to cook. This would have been so much harder had I needed to show up to work. I think it's awesome that you will be there to run it in 2014. I REALLY want to be there too. Many of us need to be there I think. Hugs to you too!

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